PARIS 1811
Emperor Napoleon is at the height of his power...
Artillery, fire!
Cavalry, under the command of Marshal Murat...
Attack!
THE BOSOM FRIEND
Triumph! Victory is ours!
What's wrong, Majesty?
Nothing! -Nothing.
Gentlemen, you've seen it.
We can beat the Russians. Next year, we're going to Moscow!
All we need, is more money. And more soldiers...
from the entire empire, from Italy to Holland.
I am Professor Pasdupain.
I pull ze tooth wizout ze ouch.
You no feel nothing.
I come straight from Paris.
You speak good Dutch for a Frenchie.
Your teeth may be rotting but your ears are fine.
A brave man. Give him a hand!
Can I have a look in your mouth?
That's looking very bad. Have a look.
Will it really not hurt?
You won't feel a zing.
If I feel anything, I'll beat you into pig fodder.
Deal. Come in, I'll do it right away.
You don't have to be afraid.
He'll be screaming.
PROFESSOR PASDUPAIN GRADUATED AT PARIS UNIVERSITY
Let's have a look.
Open your mouth. -I'm warning you.
Open your mouth.
Don't panic, here we go.
Can you hear anything? -I can't.
Me neither.
That's the wrong one. Again.
There we are. Good boy. A quick rinse.
Done.
Tell us, did you feel anyzing?
You've heard it. He didn't feel a zing. That's one thaler.
Do me too then. -But of course.
Volunteers wanted for the Emperor's army.
Get them, men!
Play on, play on!
You're uneven now. Let me fix that.
Are we done? I think so.
That's a beautiful one.
From now on you're soldiers in the Emperor's army.
I see a whole row that's loose.
That's easy, there we go.
It's a filthy press gang.
That's a lot better. Much more room!
Don't change a thing.
Next!
Hey, there's another one.
Professor!
Hello, on a walk?
Is this the way to the echoing well?
First say "Long live the Emperor!"
Long live the... Emperor.
What did you say?
Long live the Emperor. -Wrong!
Wrong? -Did you forget the Batavian Republic?
No Emperor, no Napoleon, no Frenchman.
We're Dutch republicans. Long live the republic!
But you told me to... -Take his money in name of the republic.
Long live the republic!
Say "Long live the Emperor!"
The Emperor? -Yes.
You won't fool me a second time. I'm not... you know.
That's why I say "Long live the republic!"
Long live the republic? Wrong!
Wrong? -Did you forget our House of Orange?
No republic, no Emperor, Long live Orange!
Guys, make mincemeat of him. -No, not mincemeat.
It's not even mincemeat day today.
Long live Orange! -Long live Orange!
All these action groups are driving me crazy.
Now what?
We've had Long live the republic, Long live the Emperor...
Long live the deliveryman...
That's... that's... Hello!
Go away, filthy bandit! -No, it's me.
It's me, the teeth puller. Recognize me?
Yes, I see now. There are so many scoundrels in the forest...
Yes, I've been robbed twice already. I'm broke.
And I lost my boys.
You wouldn't think so.
Come on, wait a minute...
I wanted to talk to you earlier, at the market.
Because you have enormous...
teeth, huge teeth. You have enormous teeth.
I do? -And so white, beautiful.
I know exactly what you mean.
No, the main thing about a woman is her character.
And you have a huge character.
A gigantic character.
You have a bit of a split character.
You have two characters, actually. -Yes, that's quite enough.
They're back! -Who?
Three against one, bastards!
Come back and I'll teach you!
No, just joking.
Just for fun.
What an honour to serve the Emperor.
Nothing beats death at the battlefield.
A hero's death by lethal shrapnel fire.
You pass.
Hunger.
Sofie, look the other way. -What do you mean?
Don't look at those boys with their vulgar muscles.
I'm not looking at all. -I understand.
You're young and they're wearing such vulgar tight pants.
Nothing beats a thundering cannon.
The slashing of the sabre...
the flowing of the blood.
I brought 30 Napoleons. -This man doesn't pass.
Leave.
What you feel is very natural. Don't be ashamed.
No, mummy? -You should marry very soon.
Yes, please, mummy. -But not to someone like your dad.
That would be useless.
I like the lieutenant.
No, Sofie, a common lieutenant! You have to aim higher.
A baron at least.
But where to find a baron in this backwater.
Please, hunger.
Have you got some food, please?
Filthy man! Boys, there's a scary, filthy man here.
Will that do, Madam?
You bet that will do. Relax, Sofie, marry soon, that helps.
Sometimes.
Hello, mind if I go inside? I'm so very hungry.
Incredibly hungry.
Thank you.
I've got no money.
Do you mind if I partake in your lovely bone?
Never heard of hospitality, I guess. Old grump.
I don't think it's a 3 star inn, but I'll try it anyway.
THE BUCCANEER
What do you want?
You have a very nice venue here.
I like the country style chairs.
What do you want?
You're a very friendly host as well. You have very nice vibes.
I've got what?
It's also because of the guests. They're all very nice people.
Could I see the menu? -The what?
Doesn't matter. Just make something. You'll know what's best.
Money plays no role, so to speak.
You're nice to talk to. You're quite the conversationalist.
Nice chat.
But now I'd like to eat something, so if you don't mind...
Hop to it.
Hello, Madam. You have a nice daughter.
Really nice here.
I have an urgent message from the Emperor, for the Colonel.
One moment!
Yes, come in!
Colonel Moeskop? -Absolutely.
An urgent message from Paris. -Poor chap, you look very urgent.
From my friend Schimmelpenninck.
He's got a high position with the Emperor.
Urgent message? It was sent ten days ago.
I had a short delay in Antwerp.
With the ladies of pleasure, I'm sure.
What's wrong, Colonel?
We're ruined.
That guy's been stuffing himself for three hours now. Why?
Because he doesn't have a dime.
Shall I beat him up then?
No, not yet. -Why not?
Watch him, it's fun.
Did you want to pay?
No, I've only just started.
But you've already had...
Four ox chops...
a bloater in bacon...
a wild boar's head...
cow's brains...
and this shank.
Stuffed pig's ears, please.
A double portion.
Please.
Gentlemen, we're lost. An urgent message from Paris.
Dear friend, I have to send you a serious warning.
An inspector of the Emperor is on his way to inspect your district.
That's a disaster.
We're all guilty. -Some of us a bit more than others.
You should talk, mayor. You kept half of the taxes for yourself.
And you kept the other half, Colonel.
Take it easy, gentlemen. -What about the bribes, commissioner?
You could be hung for that as well.
What should we do?
I can't wait any longer. When can I beat him up?
Not yet.
Did you want to pay?
Give me a leg of hare. -With greasy gravy, I bet.
And some red cabbage.
Blood sausage.
Some brawn. -Is that all?
And a rennie, please.
What are you pointing at, punk? -Yes, the date!
Gentlemen, it's all even worse than you think.
The inspector from Paris is here already.
Already? -Oh no!
The letter was delayed. That sneak's spying on us already.
Where? -They'll hang us!
Attention, gentlemen.
The inspector travels under a false name, but...
can be recognized by his red hair.
Red hair? -Yes, so you know what to do.
Look for him. Everybody, strangers...
fake hair, red name, or the other way around.
Go!
March!
If they'll find out everything, they'll send me to the front.
But nothing's more beautiful!
The lethal shrapnel fire... the slashing of the sabre...
Shut up! Imbecile!
Are you finally going to pay now?
The bill.
Do you accept American Express?
Stop!
Take your hands off His Excellency!
He's a bad one. -He's a devil.
There's only one thing we can do. We have to butter him up.
We have to suck up to him or we're all goners.
He's waking up.
What a monster.
I get it. I must be dead.
This is heaven.
And those are angels.
Good morning. Did His Excellency sleep well?
Those angels call me Excellency.
Our apologies for the terrible misunderstanding.
How could they treat you like that?
We've locked these scoundrels up immediately.
In jail.
They want to put me in jail. No, not in jail!
Apologies, they don't belong in jail. Have them executed right away!
No, don't execute. -No, don't execute!
What then, Excellency? -Freedom.
Freedom? -Freedom!
Release them immediately, punk!
Hurry! Hurry!
He's still young, Excellency.
Can I help you get dressed?
Now I get it. I'm in a mental asylum.
Finally a real gentleman in this dump.
Come here, child.
You have to look good. He's of very high nobility.
There they are.
Let me introduce my wife to you.
Where?
Excellency. -And this is my daughter Sofie.
Yes, that's true. The weather has been really nice.
You speak Dutch so well, Excellency.
Do you think so? My mother was a Dutch woman.
That's so interesting.
And your father? -He was not. He was a man.
Bloody funny!
Typically Parisian.
May we invite you to this breakfast?
We have fresh blood sausage, bacon pancakes, buttermilk porridge...
and liver pudding.
Wrong! That's no breakfast for a gentleman from Paris.
Where's the French bread, the oysters, the champagne... the Boursin...
Apologies, Excellency.
It won't happen again. -I'd hope so.
And I can assure you, you won't find any irregularities in my district.
I don't want to worry you, but something's rotten.
That's a mistake. Everything's perfect with me. Always.
The cesspool needs to be inspected thoroughly.
No inspection, please!
It has to happen. Don't be afraid. It won't hurt.
It doesn't hurt. His Excellency must be joking.
If you're this afraid, it can wait a bit.
Thank you, thank you.
Can't we talk about something more uplifting?
How do you like my wife and daughter?
He's looking at us.
Undress a bit more decently, child.
Mum... -Do as I say.
That's your future husband.
Excellency! -They love you already.
There's only one thing that could make me happier.
I know, four toothbrushes per year.
Adieu, my beloved Belgium!
Charming. -A local delicacy.
Charming, Majesty.
Long live the Emperor!
What's happening? -What do you think?
What's wrong? -Nothing!
Goodbye, Belgium.
And now to Holland!
Ouch, that hurts.
Black belt, I bet.
I haven't been in training for so long. It really hurt.
I didn't realize... I thought you...
We haven't met yet. What was your name?
Jack? Not Jack Daniels?
Kidding.
No sense of humour...
You're probably in the wrong room. This is my room.
So if you wouldn't... what?
It can't be true!
You mean that I...
I have to wear this?
You're right. I can't go to dinner like this.
It looks very good!
No! You walked the Four Day March?
My battle plan is as follows...
I know those hotshots from Paris. They only care about three things.
Money, booze, women.
I'm just a simple village mayor, but I feel the exact same way.
Be serious, gentlemen.
You have no idea. The man's a snake... a dragon...
a viper!
You can't wear that!
But this is my best dress!
Just arrived by mail.
A new marguerite from Paris.
This is fashionable! -It's so naked!
Exactly what we need. -Get your gown and a pair of scissors.
So you think they're mistaking me for someone else.
Yes, of course, I thought of that too. I'm not completely...
I have a bit of a brain.
Of course they're mistaking me for someone else.
For instance, they call me Excellency.
My name's not Excellency, it's Fred. Hey Fred!
No problem. The wife of the Colonel...
you know the one... she calls me the most beautiful man in the world.
I know that's true, but that's no reason to...
What's wrong? Are you laughing?
As if you're so handsome with your wooden head.
Are you related to a dinner table?
Two birds with one stone.
You marry a real Excellency and we save dad.
I don't want to marry that creep.
What? -It's a baron! How dare you?
You do exactly as I say.
I wish I was in your shoes.
I'd know what to do.
Such a delightful man.
So they think I'm someone high from Paris.
What would you do in my case?
What? You'd play along with it?
That's so low, so mean! How could you think of that?
Imagine... just imagine...
that I'd do it... I know nothing of Paris.
I don't even know where it is.
You mean they don't know anything about Paris either.
Yes, that makes things a lot easier.
Ok, don't tell anyone.
If it works I'll give you two wooden legs and a corkscrew.
He doesn't want to reveal his true identity yet.
But I think he's a genuine baron.
There he is.
Ah, the ladies. Everything alright?
Good evening, gentlemen.
Where were we? -The battle plan.
Men! They never notice when you're wearing something new.
But wait until the ladies see us. Green with jealousy.
Hello, ladies. -Good evening.
Goodnight, mother.
I have to talk to you, Excellency.
In private. -How do you like my suit?
Listen to me, Excellency.
I love Sofie.
Yes, so?
I love Sofie and Sofie loves me!
Not a very good line, if I can be so honest.
Not hit material.
If I'm honest. -Excellency!
Do not marry Sofie!
Listen to yourself. Do not marry Sofie.
It doesn't even rhyme.
And if you do it anyway, then it's your own fault.
Then, then..
Can I help? -Then you'll pay for it with your life.
I know how to do this.
It's stuck. Leave it to me.
See? It was stuck.
Kill me, please end my pain!
Without Sofie, my life's in vain!
Brilliant!
Kill me, please end my pain!
Without Sofie, my life's in vain!
Listen to how it sounds.
Kill me...
please end my pain!
Without Sofie, my life's in vain!
Big hit, big hit!
Come, let's go see the ladies.
Kill me, please end my pain!
Sorry, I wasn't thinking.
After you.
What an honour, Excellency.
Let me introduce...
Our mayor. -Good evening.
Good evening.
Our police chief. -I've heard a lot about you.
Everything alright at home? -You bet!
And our town clerk -Is that him? How are you?
And here are our ladies.
Such an honour to meet you. -It's too much, way too much.
I can never finish that in one hit.
We're so happy you're here. My daughter's been going to pieces.
I can see that. There's a whole piece of her gown missing.
They're so funny in Paris.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen!
I'd like to suggest...
to raise the glass to our guest of honour.
An excellent idea.
To your health, Excellency.
That'll do, you can't keep on talking. We have to drink too.
Do we all have the same one? That would be nice.
Do you have one too? I'd say, let it slide in.
To your health. -Dear Excellency.
Indeed.
It's a very nice evening, isn't it? -It's a bit simple, of course.
Yes, it's... almost impoverished.
We're not in Paris here. -No, I don't think so either.
Sometimes the narrow-mindedness, the provincialism drives me crazy.
That's because I'm very different.
Don't look, but there's a very scary animal in your hair.
My bird! Also from Paris.
Of course, I recognize it now. You see them a lot in Paris.
They've got more of them than they can sell.
I guess.
What's the very latest from Paris?
The soup.
Do you know what's a big craze in Paris at the moment?
It's this...
That's the latest from Paris?
The very latest. Everybody's doing it.
If you want to know the temperature of the soup...
I don't have to tell you what's our most sensitive organ.
The nose. -The nose.
In Paris, at least. -We're so far behind.
If you want to know how hot the soup is...
you dip your nose into it.
Everybody does it there.
Everybody does it there? -Everybody.
Everybody does it there!
Everybody!
Everybody.
March!
Ladies and gentlemen, that's very...
Typically Parisian. -Extremely interesting.
It's a deep spiritual experience.
It's an exact measurement. -I think it's funny.
I've never felt a soup this well before.
And it's such an elegant gesture.
You understand I was only kidding, of course.
A joke!
That was very funny!
Everybody looks preposterous.
I look like an idiot.
Those noses.
You look ridiculous.
What did you say?
I thought... -Did you say I look ridiculous?
No, not at all.
Where did I get that idea? Nonsense.
On the contrary, you look wonderful.
Beautiful. -Goes well with your hair.
Cute! -Strange, I think I look ridiculous.
Exactly, like a madman.
And I have to marry that? -Never.
I swear it!
Yes, of course, la la le.
By all means.
Thank you, thank you.
I'd like to sing for you the very latest chanson from Paris.
It's titled "The Emperor's Hat".
The army was near Austerlitz. The enemy was in sight.
The first bullets were flying, but the Emperor wasn't there.
The Emperor was crying in his tent: "I am not fully dressed".
Where is that bloody thing? Doesn't anybody know?
It was a huge scandal. And so they all yelled out...
Where is the Emperor's hat?
Where is the Emperor's hat?
Where is his hat? He's been looking for quite a while.
Where is the Emperor's hat? He's lost it.
The chef asked Napoleon what the problem was.
Your steak is so bloody small it just flew off my plate.
Lackeys were then sent out all over Paris.
The Emperor was going hungry and outside people sang.
Have you seen it perhaps? He's hungry like a horse.
Where is the Emperor's steak?
Where is the Emperor's steak?
Where is his steak? He's been looking for quite a while.
Where is the Emperor's steak? He's lost it.
The Emperor got appendicitis. Had to go to hospital.
The doctor was a steward, the carriage was from the Red Cross.
In the evening, he had to pee. Everybody helped him look...
but no matter how hard they tried, there was no bedpan to be found.
So the entire ward sang along...
His bed is soaking wet. Whoever pinched that thing?
I have an idea. Let's all walk behind each other.
We hold on to each other and we sing.
Here we go! Give it all you've got!
Where is the Emperor's hat?
Where is the Emperor's hat?
Where is his hat? He's been looking for quite a while.
It's been gone for months.
Where is the Emperor's hat?
1811: invention of the conga line!
You're so sad, Majesty.
What do you expect, Marshal?
We're in Holland. What a sad country.
Everything's flat, as far as you can see.
Not everything's flat here.
I said that not everything's flat here.
What do you mean? -Joke.
Not everything's flat here.
Do you have an eye problem?
Majesty, I mean... -The Dutch are fat?
You don't have a sense of humour.
I mean Dutch girls. -Dutch girls are fat?
Still not funny!
Excuse me, Majesty.
Majesty. -Show me.
The local authorities make a big mess of everything.
A mess?
A very strict inspection wouldn't hurt.
Darling! -At your service, Excellency!
Oh, is it you. No, not now. I have a headache.
It's always the same.
No.
Oh, Madam. -Don't mind me.
Sofie... Sofie...
Why aren't you wearing your night gown? -It's such a hot night.
I know what you want. -Yes, mum.
It has to happen. Let yourself go.
Can I, mummy? -Yes, give yourself to him.
It's all I want.
Go to his room and say: Here I am, take me, Excellency.
Excellency? -Always stay polite.
Excellency? -Worry about what to call him later.
Go to his room, go on.
It's terrible. -Now what?
I can't do it. I have a terrible headache.
You're all driving me crazy. Do I have to do everything on my own?
Mummy?
Mummy?
She's gone.
That never! -No, never!
But this always, -Yes, this always.
He's beautiful. So aristocratic.
I have to tell you.
I have to tell you.
You're so beautiful, Excellency. -Who, who?
Where? -Excellency.
Oh me, Excellency, of course.
We always say "bonsoir" in Paris.
Do you think there's anything on the radio?
It's about my daughter. -Your daughter?
We have boulevards full of daughters in Paris.
And all beautiful, of course.
Yes, but typically French. They rust badly from the bottom.
It's not true. -Yes, absolutely.
I have to tell you a secret about my daughter.
She doesn't rust from the bottom?
My daughter's insanely in love with you.
That's not so strange. -She only has one wish!
That reminds me of the fairytale about the prince.
He's walking in the forest and sees a poor girl.
He tells her she can make three wishes.
The girl says: My mother's ill and my father takes to drinking.
And my younger brother wants... new sandals!
These days the girl would say...
I only have one wish but I want it three times.
The youth of today. -You have to marry her.
Out of the blue? -She can't wait any longer.
You have to make love to her. -Is she in that bad shape?
I can't resist you, lovely man. -Does she say that?
Take me! You can do anything you want to me.
Isn't your daughter going a bit far?
She's going very far.
Hey, I see this snuffbox with snuff.
I've never tried it before.
It's very good weed.
Take me in your aristocratic arms, lovely man.
Kiss me with your aristocratic lips.
You remembered all that? You have a very good memory.
Let's melt into one.
What am I doing?
This is terrible.
Can you forgive me?
Excuse me? -The way I've behaved.
You behave fairly normally.
Your daughter acts a bit strange.
You're so sensitive and tactful.
Thank you.
Strange woman. Good teeth, though.
Two things: make sure our daughter gets engaged to His Excellency tomorrow.
Secondly... -Oh no!
Oh yes!
He can't start inspecting, so we have to distract him all the time.
Secondly, money. Do we all carry money?
Excellent, you start. He's no different from us.
You take everything you can get too, don't you?
But I'm scared to death of His Excellency.
Better do it or this will be your death.
Good morning. Ready for the hunt, I see.
I'm ready and I hope to catch a lot today.
You heard him. "I hope to catch a lot today."
We're going. The horn, please.
What were you again? -Chief of police.
Is that a nice job. Does it... pay well?
No, we're a small district, but we do our best.
I guess you'll have to. -Yes, we do our best.
What are you doing? -We're doing our very best.
I can't handle it. -It's going well, gentlemen.
His Excellency's laughing!
Don't do that.
What did you do? -Nothing.
I could swear you put something...
It's a mistake. -You put money in my pocket.
Have mercy, Excellency!
What's the meaning of this?
It's not going well, gentlemen.
Oh, it's a loan! -Yes.
That's very friendly of you.
You can tickle me again, if you like.
I think we have a chance.
What did you think of this one? -It looks very good.
Yes, very good. -It feels good.
And where does the bullet come out?
Excellency! -Must be the other side.
I'm assuming you're an excellent hunter.
You can assume anything you want. How do I shoot it?
What am I doing?
Sharp eye!
That's impossible. I've never seen anything like it.
What a good shot!
I counted seven. -Brilliant!
You must hunt a lot in Paris.
It's the first time I'm holding a rifle.
It's unbelievable.
It must be a talent.
Do you want to try again? -I'd like to.
Next in queue!
Keep on flying!
Timber!
I'm starting to enjoy this.
Blindfolded!
Now you blindfolded.
You'll never get Sofie. -Let me be sick first.
Stand still.
I'll just keep shooting.
Hares and rabbits are flying low today.
Missed.
Got one after all.
What a big one!
You shot that way, but you hit something that way.
Haven't you heard of the Parisian boomerang effect?
I'll shoot that way and I'll hit something behind me.
There we go!
Oh, that's a shame.
I got one after all!
Lieutenant!
Sorry, I didn't know you were in that tree.
Lovely day, don't you think?
Shall we inspect the village? -No, no inspection.
What about inspecting this venue?
You're going to like it. Very risqué.
It's not Paris, of course.
It's not Yab Yum, of course. -What?
What?
The best seats, please.
That's a very nice see-through shirt.
Nice of you to drop by.
Madame Tilly, the best seat for His Excellency.
Anything you want, dear. -Thank you.
What would you like? Blonde, brown, black?
With sugar, please.
How nice that you're here.
Colonel, I have a surprise for you. A new girl, just your type.
Keep that for later, doll.
Now the hardest part. He has to get engaged to my daughter.
Does he have to? -Yes, I don't want another bad night.
I am Tilly, Madame Tilly. I am the general...
on the battlefield of love...
Let the gentlemen attack.
For they will all fall.
Excellency, may I interrupt for a moment?
I'm just having an interesting conversation.
Can I ask you what you think of Sofie?
Fantastic, what a body.
She has a very good character too.
I don't care about character.
Can I ask a personal question? -Certainly, but she's first.
Excellency, maybe you and Sofie could...
Excellency, maybe you and Sofie could...
That doesn't sound like a bad deal. -Are you serious?
Absolutely. -And you're still available.
I make myself available for these things.
Excellency, what an honour. You've made me very happy.
Champagne!
There's one little problem, of course. -Oh dear!
What? -The cost.
I knew it, the scoundrel!
Must be expensive. -Cunning!
5000. -5000?
Excuse me. 7,500. -7,500?
10,000. -10,000?
What do you do for 10,000, Sofie? Play the recorder at the same time?
My name's not Sofie, it's Mathilde.
You're not Sofie?
What are you talking about? -About my daughter, of course.
About your...
You can't say no to 10,000 golden Napoleons.
Of course not, that would be rude.
Of course, he'll do it. More champagne!
But that's...
That's...
That's not possible! That's not allowed!
No, that's not allowed! That's an insult to His Majesty!
The Emperor as a woman! -No, I meant that girl. I want to...
Stop! Madame Tilly? His Excellency wants the new girl.
I want to talk to her. -She's in for a good talk.
Gentlemen, there goes my son-in-law.
10,000 big ones!
But I don't want to...
What are you doing?
No, there's no need.
You don't need to do that.
It's me, the tooth puller from the market.
I pulle ze tooth wizout ze ouch.
Now I recognize you.
How did you end up in this joint?
Those bandits sold me to Madame Tilly.
Terrible! -Yes, and very long working hours.
The food in the cantine's awful.
That's terrible.
And what are you doing in that suit?
They think I'm a baron.
You a baron?
Could have been, couldn't it?
Shall we then? We have to hurry.
The second show starts at 2 pm.
I hope you don't mean that...
We have no choice. It's been paid for so let's go.
Are you crazy? The idea!
We don't know each other. I don't even know your name.
What tends to be your name? -Mercedes.
Mercedes... yes, you don't have the front of a beetle.
Are you starting that again? -No, that's not what I mean.
You have to get out of here. You can't stay here.
I'll save you tonight. -That's impossible.
They're keeping me prisoner here.
Nothing can stop me.
Even if it kills me.
You mean it, don't you? -Absolutely.
The thing is, I like you a lot.
You're strange.
But you're nice, aren't you? -And you're sweet.
You have no idea of the things I can do.
For instance, do you know my Parisian boomerang trick?
Your what? -My Parisian boomerang trick.
It works as follows. You take a gun, like we all sometimes do.
I'll shoot in front of me, but I'll hit something behind me.
I can show you right away. Look.
You'll do anything for attention!
Marshal! What the hell is this?
This is Dutch entertainment. You can't find it in Paris.
Make it stop right away! -But Majesty...
Stop it! -Stop, go away!
This was no fun at all. Think of something else.
We've had everything, Majesty. The street organ, the flag-waving...
Something else! -Are you sure your teeth are ok?
What did you say? How dare you!
I don't have a toothache. -No, Majesty.
Get me some better entertainment.
Captain!
Something better...captain!
Three cheers for the happy couple.
Hurray, hurray, hurray!
I'm warning you, Sofie.
Ladies and gentlemen, you have to understand her emotions.
His Excellency has to leave us tonight.
Indeed. -Really?
But he'll be back soon.
May I have your attention on this joyous occasion?
I wanted to thank everybody for the beautiful gifts.
You've sure pulled it out of your pants!
For instance,, who gave us this kettle?
I did, Excellency.
Really? Is it solid or plated? -Solid of course.
Solid? Put this in the carriage. Careful, it's solid.
It'll do really well in one of my palaces.
Palaces? -I have so many palaces.
More than one? -I can't keep count.
Dump this in the trunk as well. Great evening, guys!
To His Excellency's carriage. -Something's wrong here.
The thing is that the Emperor's waiting for me.
His Majesty? -Yes, His Tapestry.
His Majesty!
Wait a moment. I thought this was a...
A bordeaux, Excellency.
Possible, possible... strong on the nose...
full body...
depth...
It's a premier grand cru.
A premier grand cru? -A premier grand cru.
Can I have a good look?
It does dance on the tongue...
hangs against the palate...
falls down, rises back up...
and sticks to the palate.
It's a Château Lafite 1804. -It's an excellent wine...
A premier grand cru mis au château.
to clean the dirty pots with.
So funny!
What was I saying? -Typically Parisian.
Yes, I remember. The thing is...
You me not be aware of this, but...
I'm the bosom friend of the Emperor.
The bosom friend of the Emperor?
Take your time to recover. I am the Emperor's bosom friend.
An urgent message for the Colonel.
Take tomorrow night. I'll be at the Emperor's castle.
Panic, guard of honour. There's Fred!
They bring me straight to the Emperor.
The Emperor wakes up and goes: There's Fred!
Step aside Marie-Louise, Fred's here!
Freddie, old fucker!
I got engaged.
I didn't know! You should have told me!
Angry, angry! How could you, Fred?
How could you? And I didn't know about it!
But you're my bosom friend.
Ok, you can come to the wedding.
His Majesty here with us? For only 10,000 bucks and a carriage?
Lucky man!
It's an urgent letter for the Colonel. -Yeah, yeah.
His Majesty at your wedding?
Of course, he owes everything to me. Let's be honest.
Good to see you. I have a question for you.
Who would you say won the Battle of Austerlitz?
Don't hold back. Give it a go.
That's what I mean. I've won it. Very good of you.
I remember how it went. I walked up to Nap.
He sat there with that nervous hand.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said: I think I've lost this battle.
Lost!
I said: How can you say that, Nap?
You have to attack from the left.
He said: I'm afraid to!
I said: You have to. Let me do it.
I got on my horse.
In front of me was the entire Austrian army.
A hundred thousand troops, fifteen hundred thousand cannons...
and an enormous amount of cavalry.
And? -And what?
And then what? -What do you mean "and then what"?
And then?
Isn't it clear?
Do you see the entire Austrian army? No.
Do you see me? Voilà!
So you can imagine what happened.
The Emperor came up to me and said: We've won!
I said: Hush, don't tell everybody.
He said: Tell me what you want. What do you want to be?
I don't want to be anything. -He said: I'll make you king...
crown prince, admiral, doesn't matter.
As long as you get a title.
He said: What's your last name, Fred.
I said: Van Der See.
Then I'll name a street after you.
The Champs-Elysées.
That's it, the Champs... Little typo...
But it's the... -Careful.
idea that counts.
The Emperor's bosom friend?
I think I have to go. I had a really good time.
The Emperor's waiting for me. Thanks for everything.
Thanks for the china. Who gave this to me again?
I did.
I just don't like the pattern.
Scoundrel, fraud!
The water's nice, join me!
After him! Get the red!
We'll teach that bosom friend.
Are you Colonel Moeskop? -Absolutely.
I'm the Emperor's inspector.
I want to see the books right away.
I am Tilly, Madame Tilly...
I am the general on the battlefield of love.
You're starting to go bald.
What?
You've got a good head of hair. -What?
I need that costume.
Take that costume off.
When I give the signal, jump in the back.
This is a raid. All the ladies are coming with us.
This is going wrong!
I don't know what they want, but I fear the worst.
There's no money in plain soldiers.
I'm out. -We're all in the same boat.
There's a lot of them. We might still get a good turnover.
Girls? -Make room!
The officer's for me.
Who's in command here? -Come to mama.
Well? -What's your rank, darling?
I'm a marshal, but I lost my staff.
Shall I find it for you?
You'd be looking for a long time.
Later, later.
You have to perform for the Emperor, right now.
No, I'm out. -That must be the comedian.
To work. The Emperor has to be entertained.
I have a bird's nest in my hair...
Can you believe it? It's on my head.
And all birds sing together...
a strange little melody.
It goes like this.
This is not good. I need a great act.
You're my last chance.
A bad audience tonight. I don't know what's wrong with them.
Yesterday, in Tiel, they loved me.
Your turn. -No!
Break a leg!
Idiot!
Laugh.
The Emperor should laugh.
Laugh.
Humour.
Of course, a joke!
Of course, it's logical.
Two crocodiles... always funny.
They're walking through Amsterdam. Can you imagine?
One crocodile suffers from dandruff.
A bit of a sagging croc.
I have so much dandruff.
How annoying. -Yes, but I found a solution.
I went to the hairdresser. -And? Tell me.
He had coloured lotions.
Red, green, blue. I had to rub them on my head.
And now my dandruff's gone.
It can't be true! Is your dandruff gone?
No, the dandruff's gone, but now I have confetti.
Now I have confetti!
Even funnier...
Do you know this one, with the finger?
I have this finger. We all do, but look at mine.
I go like this.
Now it's gone.
I'll kill you. -Wait!
Away.
Good evening, Majesty. Good evening, gentlemen.
And now I blow.
It's my honour to present to you...
Professor Pasdupain! -And look, I have two!
Professor Pasdupain pulls every tooth without any pain.
Yes, I pulle ze tooth wizout ze pain.
I am from Paris. Who can I help?
His Majesty likes it. He's playing along.
We have a volunteer.
The little fellow with the big hat. Step forward.
Fantastic, keep going!
Can I look into your mouth?
Napoleon's afraid of ouch.
It will all be ok. Open your mouth. Music.
Mr Emperor! Grab him, guys.
Stop, this is a mistake. Protect the Emperor!
Lovely. You'd think it was late night shopping.
Hit him, hit him! -Look there's the Emperor.
Respect, respect!
Can you apply the anaesthesia, sister?
I'd love to.
No! -There we go.
The Emperor's tooth has been pulled!
And, Majesty, did it hurt?
Pain? Your Emperor doesn't know that word!
Majesty, do you know who's standing next to you?
Certainly, that's my friend.
Your what? -My very best friend.
Excellency!
My bosom friend!
Did you hear that? The bosom friend!
Where is the Emperor's hat...
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