(Subtitles in English - written by me)
Hello fellow humans! My name's Jack, and you're watching DK News!
- Wait... "DK" News? What does it mean? - It's an acronym. Stands for "DoctorKiwi".
Hang on a sec... "DoctorKiwi"? I thought we talked about this...
- No, no! You're still called "Jack"... But the channel's called DoctorKiwi, so...
Oh, well... that's a pretty "cringy" name. You might wanna change that...
- Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
Alright. Anyways, today, we've got three topics to talk about... starting with...
"Solo: A Star Wars Story"... and how much of a failure this movie was. Followed up by the...
... not-so-recent controversy regarding Kelly Mary Tran, also known as Rose from "Star Wars: the Last Jedi"...
... who received a lot of hate from several Star Wars fans for no fucking reason... Good job, idiots!
And finally, we'll talk about Disney trying to buy Fox... which seems to be a good thing for most people...
... but could very much be the complete opposite. By the way, seems like all these topics revolve around...
- ... Disney. Is that intentional, or...? - No, it's actually complete coincidence.
- I was searching for things to talk about in this episode, and these topics appeared to me almost... randomly.
Okay, so... nothing to do with the fact that you like... Star Wars and Fox movies...?
- No...? N.. not at all... - Hmm, hmmm.....
Well, let's start with "Solo: A Star Wars Story". And by the way, Stan, since I've seen this movie, and...
... I'm a bit of a Star Wars fan too... I'd like to give my own opinion on it.
- But... you gotta read the script! I mean... it took me a long time to make and-
I know! It's just that... so far, what I'm reading doesn't... doesn't sound like me...
I'd like to have a bit more freedom in what I say, you know? If you're not happy with it, I can just... leave again-
- No, no, no, no, no! Stay. Stay... It's fine... Go ahead. - Thank you!
Alright. Well, guys! To be fair, this movie wasn't... great... like... at all.
As a movie, it's pretty average. Watch it. Don't watch it. Doesn't matter... Story's pretty basic, characters aren't really interesting...
Like I said: pretty average. But as a Star Wars movie... well... it's actually worse...
You see, when I watch a new Star Wars movie, or even a TV show, I'm supposed to get something new out of it...
And by "new", I mean knowledge... New information regarding the Star Wars universe...
Because to me, this is the most interesting thing about Star Wars... Its universe.
Its characters. Its creatures. Its planets. Its factions... Everything! And this movie fails are giving me any of that
Once again, the characters aren't really interesting, and the new planets in this movie... aren't interesting either...
So much so... that I completely FORGOT their name!
There's a snow... mountain... planet...
There's like a... desert one... too...
They have nothing unique about them. And as for Corellia... It doesn't even look like Corellia!
It's some kind of... slum... city, with... narrow streets and a harbor... Looks really sad, especially since it's...
... supposed to be a highly developed industrial world, not Gotham City's sewers... I mean look at this!
And that's not even the worst part! You see, as this movie failed to be a Star Wars movie, at least to me...
It also failed at being what it was supposed to be in the first place...
A "HAN SOLO" MOVIE.
Not only the main actor doesn't BEHAVE like Han Solo, but the movie's script itself doesn't make the main actor ACT like Han Solo...
Even though Han Solo is a pretty simple character...
And don't even get me started on all the stupid origin stories in this movie... (*grunts*)
Like, seriously. Everyone was expecting more information regarding Han Solo... right?
Who he was... Where he came from... How he met Chewbacca... How he became the Han Solo we know from Episode IV!...
But instead... you get the origin story of his... last name?
Cause, obviously, everyone wanted to know that he was called "Solo" because he had "no people"...
Jesus... even though "Skywalker" is a weirder name than Solo... no one gives a fuck about it!
Then you get the origin story of his... gun?... It's... it's a dismantled sniper rifle... There you go...
Once again, no one gives a fuck about this.
But wait! You also see how he met Chewbacca! You see, Han Solo... knows how to talk in the Wookiee language...
Which is something that never shows up again... in the entire movie... nor in any of the other movies... Ever.
And it completely defeats the purpose of all these fucking languages!
I mean, usually, when there's a conversation between two characters...
They both know how to talk in their own language... as well as understand the other one.
There's no need for a human to make Geonosian clicking noises, or for a Wookiee to make pig noises...
And most of the time, it is impossible for some creatures to talk in any other language...
... because of the shape of their mouth, or the absence of tongue... or mandibles... You get the point, right?
And in this movie, Han Solo fucking growls for no reason... It looks stupid... It sounds stupid...
And it's obviously incredibly pointless to do this in this universe.
Oh, and just in case you don't know how nicknames work, they blatantly explain to you why Han won't call Chewbacca... "Chewbacca"... all the time.
Cause it's... too long.
So he's gonna call him... "Chewie".
Like... like... isn't this insulting?!
Everyone fucking knows how nicknames work and why people use them... Jesus Christ. Go fuck yourself, movie!
Obviously, there's way more to talk about... like the Millennium Falcon missing a front part...
Because "no one" thought this was the Falcon's default shape, right? It was "definitely" missing a piece...
Or Darth Maul's hologram at the end, which is...
Confusing for movie fans because he died in Episode I...
And completely pointless to TV show fans, because he's gonna die later on in Rebels, so who cares?
But overall, considering that this movie was reshot again, after the previous directors got fired...
Making it the most EXPENSIVE Star Wars movie EVER MADE!...
And considering that not only it fails at giving us a good Star Wars story...
But it also fails at being a good Han Solo story, as well as a good origin story in general...
So I can only tell you that, personally, I'll never give any more money to the Star Wars franchise until they fix this fucking mess! And you... should do the same.
They don't care about what they're doing... they don't care about the Star Wars universe... and they certainly don't care about what you think.
All they care about... is your fucking money. And the only way to stop this... is to stop giving them your money!
So that's where I stand.
Moving on to the next topic of today, one that makes us all regret calling ourselves Star Wars fans...
Kelly Marie Tran. The actress who played Rose in "Star Wars: the Last Jedi", who got harassed on social media
... by several "fans" because of the character she portrayed in that movie... and ultimately decided to LEAVE social media because of them.
See, personally, as I've seen this movie, I would agree that some of the decisions made in it weren't really great
Whether it is Rey, Luke, Leia, Snoke, the plot and even the outcome... The movie definitely... could've been better.
And yes, even if Rose (and the story arc she shared with Finn) seemed completely pointless to the main story...
It all comes down to the script... It ALWAYS comes down to the script!
And in NO WAY the actress playing Rose, Kelly Mary Tran, is responsible for ANY OF IT.
And even then! Even if someone is responsible. Whether it is Rian Johnson, for writing and directing this movie...
Or Disney for approving it... (or maybe even tampering with the script)
There is absolutely NO WAY to justify such a horrible behavior!
I'm just... I'm just ashamed of calling myself a "Star Wars fan" because of this. This type of mentality is fucking disgusting...
And you know what? YOU go kill yourself! Yeah! I said it! You useless human scum, YOU FAILED ABORTION!
- Hey, Jack! HEY!... What the fuck?!
What?... I'm not gonna apologize... They can all fucking die for all I care.
- Ok, ok... You made your point. You're an angry boi... Whatever. But... the very behaviour you're...
- ... criticising right now is the exact same you're using against these people!
- You don't have to act like an asshole, and you don't have to make it so personal either...
Well, I never said it was an angel, alright? It's actually... literally... the opposite and you know this...
Cause... you fucking made me.
And, why wouldn't WE take this personally, considering what happened to us a few years ag-
- OKAY, okay! No need to talk about this. I'll... let you move on to the next... topic...
- If you're done with this one, obviously... - Yeah, but... there's not much to talk about... is there?
People are mostly happy that Disney's trying to buy Fox, because all they fucking care about is "Marvel".
Like: "Yay, X-men! Yay, Fantastic Four! Yay, Deadpool!... They belong to the Marvel Cinematic Universe now!..."
But no one gets it. Fox has made some great movies, like The Revenant, Planet of the Apes, the Martian, Cast Away... even ALIEN for fuck's sake!
And even last year, they made "LOGAN"...
A movie... where a little girl...
Savagely slaughters a bunch of people... And gets fucking IMPALED by one of them!
Fantastic. Nay... GROUNDBREAKING!
And now... Disney's gonna own them. And no one sees the problem there...
Disney? Making movies like "ALIEN" or "LOGAN"? Right...
To be honest, I'm really fucking scared by this, dude. We need movies like Deadpool and Logan. We NEED them.
Not more "Ice Age" or "Chipmunk" bullshit, you feel me?
- Yeah. Trust me, I get it... It's a fucking shame, really.
But, we can't do anything about it... Unless you've got... 72 billion dollars...
- Well, I can get them right now, if you want? - No, no, no! I'm good, it's... it's a joke!
- Well... I think we're done with this... aren't we? - Yes indeed!
So, guys... Thanks for tuning in! Don't forget that it's your money they want... so stop giving it to them...
And we... will see you next time.
Now, FUCK OFF.
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