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This week, on Real Fake News, Lindsay
Lohan thought of a new social media
celebrity game show. The show hasn't been
made - the 'news' is that Lindsay Lohan
had a thought. In one week Chuck Berry
and Chuck Barris passed away. The Reaper's
Chuck Eradication Program is in full
swing. Hide your Converse sneakers. Bernie
Sanders posted a 14-minute Facebook
attack on Donald Trump. How much time
does he think he has left? Hello and
welcome to Fake News. I'm Mark Lombard.
Real Fake News is brought to you by...
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Click it good. At a speech on Saint Patrick's
Day, Hillary Clinton said she was ready
to come out of the woods, a comment that
generated existential angst as the
audience could not see how Clinton
was both in the woods and speaking to
them at Scranton, Pennsylvania. Clinton
confirmed it was just a metaphor,
tensions eased and the audience lowered
their pitchforks. Clinton said she didn't
know why she metaphorically went into
the woods. She could have metaphorically
laid on a beach, hiked in the mountains, or
skied in St. Moritz, but the woods
metaphor felt right. It reflected her
post-election mood which she described as
being as dark as the point in Hansel and
Gretel where the kids end up in the oven.
During questions, the former Secretary of
State agreed that her life was like a
fairy tale. She had hoped it would be the
kind, like Cinderella, where she'd be
reunited with the White House - her
metaphoric glass slipper - but sadly it ended
up being the other kind where a lonely
old woman goes into the woods and is
attacked by an orange troll with small
hands and crazy fairy floss hair.
Now that Secretary Clinton is out of the
metaphoric woods, she says she would like
to return to metaphoric anonymity which
she conceded would still involve more
media attention than she received during
last year's election campaign. Real Fake
News is brought to you by: Full screen
autoplay ads that are 27 times the
normal volume! That's a lot that happened!
Okay, we'll see you at the end of the week.
Advertising. Because TV's dead and it
needs something else to ruin. Now, finance,
and commodities. Iron ore is as hot as a
wok. Broccoli has been chopped at
fifteen cents a floret. Carrots are a
quarter of their value after a series of
julienning incidents, and, finally fish
sauce has announced a merger with hoisin
sauce in a deal that is set to tickle
the market's umami taste buds. And that's
finance. Now go make some money - or a
stir-fry. And that's the Real Fake News
for this week. Remember, believe what you
hear, not what I tell you. I'm Mark Lombard.
Or am I?
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